Healed with Style and Grace

By Jai Hudson

Creativity, imagination, purity, innocence, love, dreaming… these were the words that best described me before the “big secret” happened. This “secret” was something that took control over my natural growth. Strength, hiding emotions, perseverance, isolation, anxiety, depression, fear, and low self-worth became my go-to emotions to cope with my big secret. These qualities allowed me to mask the cycle of self-sabotage that was happening inside of me as a result of the outer events.

My name is Jai Hudson, and I was sexually abused by my mother’s husband (my sister’s father) over a period of six years. This really messed with my mind and heart. In addition, my mother chose to stay with him even after knowing what he did to me. I was told to keep it a secret and continue on with life as if it wasn’t happening — as many abused children have been told. As a result, I learned to believe that not only was I not good enough for anyone to come to my rescue, but that my feelings didn’t matter. This was the story I told myself — what else could explain this violation of my mind, body, and spirit? I wanted to end my life. I wanted to end his life. But I didn’t. I continued to hide, wish for invisibility, and escape into the beauty and expression of music.

As I moved into adulthood, I created a life that seemed enviable, incorporating my love of fashion, music, and travel into a career. In the midst of all the wonderful experiences, great relationships, and friendships, I experienced another bad feeling that always seemed to peek through. I call it the “recurring feeling.”

I would experience periods of depression and sadness. I felt afraid of something, as if I was running from something. It was easier to try and forget the past. After all, I was functioning and my life was great. That is what I would tell myself. However, It was like clockwork. The past always came back to haunt me.

I began to pay attention when this happened. I would ask myself what was I going through when these negative feelings resurfaced. I realized it was my unresolved feelings about my experience with the molestation, every angle of it. It was confusing for me. There was my mother's husband, my mother, and my sister, and how we all were affected and co-existed with this secret. I was trying to please everyone else and lost myself along the way.

Through music, forgiveness, and changing my perspective and grace, I healed. Freedom was something that had felt unattainable for me. However, by changing my perspective, how I perceived the events, it has become my new way of life.

I forgave my mom four days before she went into cardiac arrest and passed away. I forgave my mother’s husband alongside my mother’s hospital bed as my mom fought for her life.

My mom is now my angel and guess what? Our relationship is better than ever. I let go of the pain and hurt and accepted Donna Elcock, my mother, as a woman first, and a mother second. In other words, I recognized that just like me, she was desperately navigating through life’s challenges and doing the best she could. Our experiences, good or bad, do not define who we truly are. Once we clear away the survival-strategy emotional residue from life’s greatest challenges, we can be free to truly live without restriction. No more fear! No more self-doubt! No more secrets!

We all have Grace, which means we can get through anything. I healed through music, I healed by always choosing love, I healed with the belief that I could be whatever it is I dreamed of, and I healed with Style and Grace. I encourage you to take a chance on truly living. Take a chance on you.